All This Talk 

Last year as a junior, I remember overhearing all this talk about college, the future and what a headache it was. It’s all too safe to say that I now know what everyone was talking about.

It seems like right when you have all your plans neat and in a row, something comes along and ruins them. I’m not saying that that’s bound to happen, but it’s something that generally does. Don’t ask me why. I didn’t make the rules. I can say that my plans for the future and college have changed dramatically since last year, though. I thought that I’d had everything figured out last year, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do. Turns out I was wrong.

People change their minds a million and one times before they finally know what they want, or they know exactly what they want and go for it. I think that no matter what type of person you are, there is no true way of denying that your future isn’t set in stone. Things change for better or for worse and it seems like a lot of people think that they can work their way around that, the ever-changing events of this thing called Life. Just because they know what they want to do and know how to accomplish the said goal, nothing will happen to them. They’re invincible…It probably sounds like I’m being an outrageously morbid dream-killer, but whatever. I’m just clearly saying that things change all the time and some people don’t think that it will ever apply to them.

I’m just now starting to realize, with less than a month left of school, that I’m overwhelmed for the first time in my life. Yeah, it might sound like I’m exaggerating, and believe what you want, but it’s the truth. All this talk of college and plans for the future, and everything else going on, it’s not hard to be swallowed up by the ever-growing multitude of things to come. Luckily, I know exactly what I want. It’s just a matter of accomplishing it. I’m overwhelmed but not so to the point that I don’t know what I want.

My freshmen year, I never would’ve thought I’d be making journalism my college major…Yes, you heard right…I’m majoring in journalism. Is that such a crime? I didn’t think so. I remember freshmen year I was so caught up in the new experiences of high school that I had no idea what I wanted to do years down the road. I’d thought about maybe going into graphic design or something because my other passion (that I often put on the back-burner) is drawing. Art. I love it and everything it entails. I’m good at drawing, but I think I’m even better at writing. Sure, writing might not be as lucrative and in-demand as graphic design is at the moment, but I don’t care. You should be able to do something you love because you love it, not just because it pays the rent. My major is journalism and that is that.

Instead of starting classes in the Fall like any normal person would, I’ve decided to start my classes either in the Spring or next Fall. Everyone is different when it comes to well, just about everything, and my decision is no different. At first, I thought I HAD to go to school in the Fall. I thought it was something that just HAD to be done. I wasn’t even thinking that I had the choice to take time off from school. It wasn’t something that was going through my mind at the time. I was stressing about starting classes in the Fall, and I had absolutely no reason to because I didn’t have to start in the Fall. I’m so totally not starting in the Fall. I mean the last year of high school is stressful enough, why make it even more stressful by having to go through more school less than 4 months after you graduate? It might sound like I’m a total loser, not going to college right after I graduate, but I don’t see it that way. I want to be somewhat established in one way or another before I go off to college. It’s better to have a general idea of what you’re going to do, then storm through it all, guns blazing. Or at least that’s how I see it. The whole-guns-blazing-thing is only good for somethings, not all, and I don’t think college plans qualify as one of those things.

Right now, at this very moment in time, I’m happy to say that everything is planned out for the most part. Yes, like I said, things are bound to change whenever, but for right now, it’s safe to say that everything is good. School is over in less than a month, and while it would usually seem hectic and overwhelming (as I just stated a million times over above), that’s all a part of the ride. Prom is in a than a month, too and that’s something I’m actually looking forward to. Whether I happen to have a date or not, I’m going. I have the cutest dress (a dress I’ve had for a couple years now, actually) and I know exactly how I want to look.

All this talk is just that…Talk. It means nothing unless you actually go through with it, and all this talk is finally starting to turn into something. It’s more than safe to say that I have nothing to stress about anymore. I’m ready for whatever life has to throw at me, yet again.

Life is overwhelming and I’m just starting to realize that. Look ahead and hold on tight. It only gets more intense.

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Third Day Of My Last Year

It’s Monday. The third day of my last year. I’m starting to really annoy myself when I think that. The third day of my last year…It sounds like I’m gonna die next year or something. How horrible. I still can’t get my head around the fact that I’m a senior, though. Getting past that totally annoying saying that I have to not say anymore…Yes, it is indeed Monday. And this Monday, I actually had fun in gym.

Last night and this morning, I felt, well not the best. Since the weather is deciding to go to from really warm to really chilly, my allergies and asthma were acting up. Not very cool, believe me. I feel asleep on the couch in our living room, which is something I never do on school nights. Well, I do, just not when I’m fully ready to sleep in my own bed. I feel asleep on the couch, with a chocolate brown fleece blanket over me, watching the show Monsters Inside Me. I don’t know if I fell asleep because I was tired or because of the really gross cases on the show. People were getting sick from bugs that were inside them. Actually inside them…I’m surprised I even slept.

I woke up a little later than I’d hoped, but I still woke up. I was feeling better. Still hurting in some places, but I was ok enough to go to school. I took a shower, got dressed, ate, fooled around with my hair, and did an asthma treatment. A big asthma treatment. The same asthma treatment that made me leave for school later than I usually would have, but it wasn’t really a big deal. I could hardly get into school anyway.

I stood there, in front of school, with countless other people, waiting to get into school. It wasn’t raining like it had been on Friday, which was good. It was actually a pleasant morning to be standing outside. If only I wasn’t at school…I watched people cut in front of other people. I didn’t cut in front of anyone, or at least I tried not too. I was just standing there, listening to AFI’s new single “Medicate”. I must have listened to it more than 5 times while waiting in the make-shift lines. A couple more in between classes through out the day. Finally, I made it into school. 20 minutes late, but I made it. My first period teacher was surprisingly ok with the fact that I was late. Others filed in after me a couple minutes later.

Most of this really sunny, chilly Monday was ordinary. All of my classes going by really quick, which is pretty normal because I only have 6 classes this year. English seemed to drag on, though. Probably because we weren’t doing anything. People were sitting there, holding their own conversations, while my teacher took attendance. He said something about handing us out books, but I guess there are more people coming in. Speaking about people coming into class, my French class was insane! There seemed like there were alot more people as oppose to Friday. The maximum capacity is, like, 25 and I think it might have been exceeded or will be soon.

The bell that ended English rang fashionably late, as I’m thinking it will all year. Lunch went by fast. I didn’t get lunch today, even though I told myself I would today. I just didn’t feel like getting up. My laziness for ya. I wished that I’d remembered to take my Amp energy drink out of the fridge before I left this morning. The bell that ended lunch was also, fashionably late. I walked into gym, dreading it a little.

The gym, for some reason, didn’t look as big as it did last week. Maybe the reason why my dread wasn’t so strong as it before. Now, I don’t hate gym at all. I love gym. I love playing volleyball. In my eyes, it’s the best stress reliever. Especially, if I’m having a bad day. I pretend the ball is someone’s head. Always works to relieve stress for me. I sat by this girl from my English class, Mariah, and my friend from freshmen year, Alyssa. After it took my gym teacher what seemed like forever to take attendance, the three of us decided to play ping pong.

At first, I wasn’t too sure if I should play because of my breathing, but it was fine all day, so I figured what the hell? Not the best move on my part, but I know my limits. I know what I can and can’t do. Mariah and Alyssa played a game of ping pong first. I was just watching against the bleachers. When they finished playing, I played Mariah. I honestly didn’t know how good I was at ping pong. I’d never played it to know whether I was good or not. I guess I’m a little too talented, I hit the ball up so high, it got stuck in between the upper part of the bleachers. We asked the other gym teacher if we could go get it, and she let us. All three of us walked up the steps next to the boys’ lockeroom, and found ourselves actually on top of the bleachers. I’d never been up there before, only of my firsts as a senior. After we got the ball, Alyssa and I played a game. Once again, I guess I was good. I didn’t get it up on top the bleachers again, which was good, but I barely missed the ball, either. I was what Alyssa called a “beast”.

Even when we were playing volleyball, two against one, I was still a “beast”. Two on one isn’t fair, but it’s how we played. I wished we had another player, but there wasn’t anyone else I knew and all the other individuals in the gym were preoccupied with their own things, and I’m very shy. People I don’t know + Being shy = Being very, very shy…I wasn’t as rusty as I thought I would be. The last time I’d played volleyball was in May, when my one teacher wasn’t there and my class had to go to the gym. Every serve Mariah hit to me, I hit. I never knew I had such an intensity for volleyball. I never missed a hit, with the exception of the soft ones or the ones that went over my head. And me being so tiny, it’s not that hard. The first 5, maybe 10 minutes of playing, my wrists were red. It didn’t bother me, though. It’s the only sport I’m relatively good at, so I figured at a little pain and soreness is worth it. We played until my gym teacher told us to put the ball up. My wrists were still red. My last bell of the day rang. Fashionably late, of course.

I walked home in the beauty and coolness of the afternoon sun, my wrists still red, still listening to “Medicate”. Today, I surprisingly learned alot. People who seemed like, not nice people, turn out to be ok. French is wayyy too crowded. My art teacher will not be at school this Friday. My English class has more people, and we will slowly, but surely be learning something soon. I write too much when my Health teacher only asked for 3 to 5 sentences. I have listened to AFI’s new single too many times. Wayyy too many times. That’s my Monday.

I guess I’m a “beast”.

 

The butterfly, the eagle, the moose & the freshmen

Today was the first day of school. The first day of my last year of high school. Any nervousness? Not really, a little tired still but not nervous. I woke up at 5:15 with motivation, which is so not like me because I usually need motivation to wake up that early. I guess I had alot of motivation without even knowing it. School starts at 8:00 and I was there at 7:35, 7:40. Superior motivation on my part.

I looked out the window at the rain, listening to my iPod, pulling up to the front of school. It didn’t feel like an August morning. Instead it felt like a slice of Autumn, daintily sprinkled with cold rain and partially humid air. I pulled the hood up on my gray hoodie, and turned my iPod a little louder. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people dressed in the same fashion, all in the same place before. This year, like my junior and sophomore year, there’s a dress code. A very stupid dress code, if you ask me and everyone else at school probably. Everything about it is pretty stupid. We have to wear dark blue/white polo shirts, black/dark blue/khaki pants…So much for originality. It’s just incredible how a group or two of people can harm everyone else’s choices.

I was walking around in the massive crowd of people, when I heard my name. I thought I had my iPod loud enough, but it appears that vocal chords are louder. It was my friend Taylor. She was standing by my other friends, John and Maria. We talked for a bit, until she saw Maria’s sister, Amber and her boyfriend Jason. Taylor pointed to the moose on Jason’s polo. I immediately thought of my dog and how we call him ‘Moose’. I learned it was the Abercrombie & Fitch logo. Go figure. Amber had a butterfly on hers, which I recognized immediately as Aeropostle. So many people had them last year, it’s a wonder I didn’t forget. I resorted for something more simple and logo-less. Black skinny jeans, a light blue lacy tanktop, and a dark blue polo. Simple enough, I suppose. Not a logo in sight.

I got my schedule, and I couldn’t believe what I saw…I didn’t have a 1st or 4th period! I was like ‘Wtf?’ I sat in the cafeteria for 40 minutes, waiting for the bell to ring. I saw my friend, Chelsea, who suggested I should see my counselor about my schedule. Since Taylor and I had the same kind of problems, we both walked upstairs. Some lady standing by the doors stopped us, asking us what we were doing. We told her. She said that the counselor wasn’t changing anything today, which was a big crock of lies. Lies! Feeling a ping of  defeat, we both went back to where we were sitting and waited for the bell to ring. Again. This year it’s fashionably late. Gym was my next class. I could just feel the excitement bursting. Yawn.

Sure, the gym was big last year, but this year it seems even bigger. The 40 minutes wer quickly consumed by just sitting in the bleachers, listening to my shuffle. I wished I would’ve remembered the book I’ve been reading. Oh well. The next ride in the amusement park was Health. Health that was held in the basement. I’d honestly never been in the basement of school. Never. It was just a big room with desks, computers, and a big flat-screen TV by the teacher’s desk. How convenient. It almost reminded me of a much bigger version of my bedroom, via exposed air duct work and such. I sat there for another 40 minutes, drinking my lemon iced tea and talking to Johnny. 4th period? According to my schedule, I still didn’t have one.

Eventually, I revamped my schedule, and got the classes I wanted and needed. I got a 1st and 4th period! It was really hot in the counselor’s office, and it made me pretty much non-responsive. I was able to say what I needed to, though. According to my schedule, my 5/6 class was English 4. I noticed that most of the people in my class I knew from last year. I was relieved that I knew people in some of my classes. I noticed my friend, two seats in front of me, had an eagle on her sweater…American Eagle. Go figure. Again. I liked my English teacher. He told us a little bit about himself, which seemed refreshing at that moment in time. He told us we would read Macbeth this year. That made me smile a bit. The last 10 minutes of class, we had to write something about ourselves, which was pretty easy. I didn’t finish mine, though. I tend to write an awful lot, as suggested by most of the entries on my blog. 🙂

Finally, my last ‘class’ of the day was lunch. I sat where I usually sat last year, with the exception of the people who sat with me last year. Today I sat with my friend Ashley. It was good to talk to her and just chill amongst all the chaos. Large group of freshmen = Chaos. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many freshmen since my freshmen year. They all seemed to swarm into the cafeteria simultaneously, just as they had this morning, scavenging for their freshly pressed schedules. Freshmen. Oh how I used to be one of them.

I’d say all and all, my first day of school was good. Pretty uneventful for the most part, but good nonetheless. I honestly thought it was Friday, until I looked at my phone and realized it was still Thursday. Back to the ol’ grind tomorrow.

I learned more about over-priced clothing labels and their fancy logos than I did anything else today.

Where The Hell Did Freshmen Year Go?

It seems like it was just yesterday that I was standing outside of my high school, in my Avenged Sevenfold shirt and jeans, Converse and Alkaline Trio messenger bag. I was totally overwhelmed and one of the newbies. I was a freshmen.

Being the freshmen I was, completely inexperienced in the tricks and trade of high school, I thought everything would be hard as hell. Like really, really hard. Silly me. Everything was surprisingly easy. Only having four classes might have been the reason. English, math, physical science, and World History. Maybe it was because I had the most best friends that year. I mean, I still have kick-ass friends, I guess, but it’s just not the same. I still think having only four classes and a block schedule was the reason.

I’ll admit, I was naive. Then again, it seems like everyone is sometimes, so what does it really matter? But at the time, I kinda felt like I was just trying to fit in with everyone else. Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. I tried to be myself, no matter what the hell hit me. In the end, I think I was just attempting to please my friends. Or people I thought were my friends. Whatever the reason was, I felt like I had to kind of fit in somewhere. After awhile though, I honestly didn’t care about what people thought about me or who talked about me or stuff of that nature.

I have to say, that was the funnest year of high school. Yeah, most people say that their senior year is the best and most fun, but I’m just getting to that part. . .

In a week I will be a senior. Granted, I was officially a senior when I got my report card that said I’m a senior this year. Which I kind of knew I was going to be. I mean, yeah, I had my doubts, but doesn’t everyone? It seems like those 3 years went by so fast. Freshmen year. Sophomore year. Junior year. It’s just really hard to believe that I’m a senior this year.

The fact that I’m starting school a week  is overwhelming, but the fact that all my friends and I are going to be seniors is even more overwhelming. From what I saw from seniors last year, it’s pretty stressful and fun at the same time. There’s prom and graduation, but there’s also the chance that they might not graduate. At my school, there are a series of 5 tests that you have to take sophomore year, and if you don’t pass all of them your senior year, then you can’t graduate. Pretty stupid, I think. Luckily, I passed them all already, so all I would have to worry about are my grades and college.

It’s actually kind of weird thinking about college. During freshmen year, I didn’t think about that. I didn’t really think much about my future, just what was happening right there and then. I mean, honestly, it’s not as hard as I thought it would be. I already know what I want to major in, which is journalism. Granted, I have other possible talents and interests, but I can always incorporate those things in, which I do sometimes anyway. I already know what college I’d like to attend and how to accomplish it, but it still seems like it’s all just…flashing by  me.

Maybe I can’t believe I’m a senior because well, I’m 4’10” at almost 18…Strangely, not the shortest at my high school, though. Maybe it’s because I honestly never thought I’d make it this far. Something inside kind of made me feel like I wouldn’t make it this far. For whatever the reason, no matter how weird or silly, I’m a senior in high school this year and I’m ready for whatever the hell life throws at me.

Blink and you can miss an entire chapter of your life.