Oh, That Shining Realization 

A couple of months ago, well sometime last year (if you want to be critically technical and correct) I wrote about how there was the unbreakable camaraderie that my friends and I shared some long time ago. I now realize that maybe it’s better that bond decided to break.

I honestly think that if I was still friends with the majority of the individuals I was some now 6 or 7 years ago, I would amount to nothing. Yeah, that sounds a bit harsh but, that’s just the way I see it. I think that if we’d all kept in touch, it would either be the greatest thing in the world or the greatest personal tragedy. As much as I used to love them all, I think it would have been a complete downfall.

You’re probably wondering why I’m talking about people I used to love so dear and care about almost with my life so bitterly, and I have the perfect answer. I’ve seen the kind of people they’ve become. I know they say everyone changes and indeed everyone does, but it seems to be so different now. Looking back at who we all used to, and who we are now, it’s safe to say that I’m relieved to know that we’ve lost our hold on each other. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I don’t need them. I don’t need certain people around me just to get through my every day, just to breathe. Sure, there are sometimes when it could hurt, the fact that they’re not here mainly, or where I miss them, but I then I wonder…Do they feel the same? If I had to take a good, educated guess, I would have to say no. I often wonder what it would be like, if we all remained friends, if nothing changed at all, but then I realize that I don’t think I would have it any other way.

It’s better that they’re not in my life anymore. It’s better that they’re just fleeting memories. It’s not like we would talk like we did back then, when things seemed endless, almost untouchable. Some 2 years ago, when we were in a sense ‘reunited’, there was this feeling of emptiness in the worse kind of way between us all. Granted, the circumstances weren’t exactly pleasing, but still. It was the greatest shock of my natural life so far that day, to be struck with the news that impaired me to feel and to be among the ones I once felt about so dear.

After all the useless calculating and grinding of memories and thoughts in my head, it all comes down to the one solid fact: I’m so glad I don’t associate with the people I used to. I think that if I did, then I wouldn’t be the type of person I am today. I think I would more than likely become the type of person I don’t really like, someone who I honestly couldn’t see myself being. For what might be better and at the same time possibly worse, I’m who I am and no so-called friend can change any of that. I’m just happy I realized that before I started to actually care too much.

Oh, that shining realization…Better late then never.

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Newsflash From “Heaven”: I’ve Descended Into “Hell”

There’s something that makes every one of us on this Earth question things that we don’t understand, can’t understand or just simply refuse to…Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that it’s safe to say that the concept of religion has always been something that’s second-guessed or questioned.

And if I question that, then what kind of person does that make me?

I honestly never used to question religion. It just wasn’t something that was questioned. You just go with it, and think that it’s something you personally believe. After awhile, it’s all you’re willing to believe. No one can change your mind; your heart is set on that way of life. It can turn you into something you’re truly not, while on the other hand can bring a whole new perspective on things. Which ever you may choose, there’s always questions that will arise that are going to make some wonder and others won’t even pay attention to.

I first started to question religion, being the foundation for my day-in, day-out education at school. I’d been at a Catholic school from Kindergarten to the first half of the 6th grade, and being at a Catholic school, I’d have to go to church every Friday with the rest of my class. There wasn’t an option of not going, and I honestly didn’t mind. We would be rewarded if we were good, anyway. I remember in Kindergarten, I literally thought the priest at my school’s church was a cannibal. I literally thought that when he said the “body and blood”, he really did mean the body and blood of someone. How crazy is that? Really?

What kind of person does that make me?

I began to ask questions about the religion that I’d learned about five days a week and sometimes on Sundays. Whether the questions made sense or not, I have no idea. They probably made absolutely no sense, the reason why no one could give me a straight answer. The questions made all the sense to me though. If Jesus died for everyone’s sins, why do people still sin? I distinctly remember that was one of the questions I’d asked. Yeah, a pretty stupid question. All my teachers probably thought it was, or maybe they thought I was crazy or something. I look back on that now, and think that it was a pretty foolish, but it also makes me realize that any other outrageous question I had would be let right in with all the eagerness, only to be shot down for being utterly stupid.

Now what does all this grade-school reminiscing have to do with my feelings toward religion now? It proves that there are questions that either can’t be answered or are being pushed under the rug. Let’s face it, who wants to believe in something that can’t be answered or proven? I don’t mean to judge anyone here. What the next person believes may not be what I believe, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna jump down their throats about it. That would just be ignorant, and I absolutely hate ignorance. People are more than entitled to have their own beliefs and opinions, despite what other individuals think or say. I firmly believe in that, and truly have the utmost respect for that fact.

I would be much more comfortable knowing that what I’m believing in is, well, worth believing in. Sometimes, I believed that there possibly could be a God, but there are things that come in the way me truly accepting that fact. There are facts and reasonings that are so hypocritical and no way near logical. Say one thing and it doesn’t add up to what’s being said next…Yeah, that makes a hell of a lot of sense…I myself have a hard time agreeing and believing everything I hear because it all just doesn’t sit right with me as a whole. I suppose somethings could be plausible, but that still leaves others unaccounted for and to me, that isn’t good enough.

What kind of person does that make me?

I’ve been asking that question all though this post…What kind of person does that make me? Honestly, it makes me a goddamn human being. Most would say that questions and questioning isn’t the way to go because it will either get you nowhere or everywhere you don’t want to be, but I don’t find that the case. People don’t know if there is indeed a ‘Heaven’ or ‘Hell’ because no one has ever been there. Some are so fixated on something they’ve been feed throughout the years or what have you, and can’t comprehend that maybe there isn’t anything after you die. Maybe there is just nothingness, a creeping sense of darkness that’s just out of our reach with every passing second. Maybe not. ..Does death scare me? Damn right it does. Do I believe in something after death? I’m not sure. There could be something amazing beyond anything we’ve ever seen above and something else amazing in quite another sense of the word way down below, but who am I to know? Exactly. I have absolutely no idea and I think it’s best that way.

If people really (and I mean really truly) knew what happens when you die, they wouldn’t take any risks. If people knew what happened when you die, they wouldn’t be living. The entire point of living is taking risks and taking whatever comes at you, not matter the speeds or intensities. I think that knowing where you’re going to go when you die, totally dictates one’s risk-taking and therefore the entire concept of Life. Some people live that way already out of faith or whatever you choose, and that is entirely their choice. I have absolutely nothing against people with healthy convictions in what they believe in. I think it’s the best thing in the world, please just don’t try to press it on me. While some completely discreet and totally polite about brandishing their beliefs, not pressuring others at all, there are other people that think they know everything that the afterlife has to offer (or religion in general for that matter), down to every detail and I personally don’t believe any of it. Yeah, that probably sounds pretty bad, but notice the things I’ve said so far. My brutal, honest opinion.

I honestly don’t believe what people have to say about what it will be like when you die because they don’t know, they’ve never been there. No one knows, no ones ever been there. Unless of course with the exception of a near-death experience, that’s the closest thing to the afterlife you can get without feeling death unfortunately pull you out of this natural life permanently. Other than that exception, I don’t believe.

I love how the subject goes from the disbelief concerning religion to the disbelief an afterlife. They’re two different subjects that sometimes (maybe more often than none) become intertwined and discussed on the same playing field. I suppose that this is no exception to the conversations on the subjects that came before it. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I honestly don’t know.

When all is said and done, I just don’t believe…Yeah, it might sound like I’m just another teenager (technically I’m not really a teenager anymore, but whatever) who listens to death metal and is ‘brainwashed’ by the ‘Satanic’ lyrics, but I’m here to clarify. While I do listen to my fair shares of black/death/heavy metal, my musical preferences in no way impact my views on religion or the afterlife, as which was mentioned earlier…Or rather there isn’t anything good enough for me to believe in. That probably sounds pretty arrogant and whether arrogance plays a part at all or not, it’s true. I don’t think it’s that there’s nothing good enough for me to believe but actually nothing I feel comfortable really believing in. Hopefully there will come a time when I find something that I indeed feel comfortable enough with to believe in without questioning or second-guessing. Until then, only time will tell.

So I ask you now, as I’ve been asking throughout this entire post…

What kind of person does that make me?

Newsflash from “Heaven”: I’ve surely descended into “Hell”.

All This Talk 

Last year as a junior, I remember overhearing all this talk about college, the future and what a headache it was. It’s all too safe to say that I now know what everyone was talking about.

It seems like right when you have all your plans neat and in a row, something comes along and ruins them. I’m not saying that that’s bound to happen, but it’s something that generally does. Don’t ask me why. I didn’t make the rules. I can say that my plans for the future and college have changed dramatically since last year, though. I thought that I’d had everything figured out last year, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do. Turns out I was wrong.

People change their minds a million and one times before they finally know what they want, or they know exactly what they want and go for it. I think that no matter what type of person you are, there is no true way of denying that your future isn’t set in stone. Things change for better or for worse and it seems like a lot of people think that they can work their way around that, the ever-changing events of this thing called Life. Just because they know what they want to do and know how to accomplish the said goal, nothing will happen to them. They’re invincible…It probably sounds like I’m being an outrageously morbid dream-killer, but whatever. I’m just clearly saying that things change all the time and some people don’t think that it will ever apply to them.

I’m just now starting to realize, with less than a month left of school, that I’m overwhelmed for the first time in my life. Yeah, it might sound like I’m exaggerating, and believe what you want, but it’s the truth. All this talk of college and plans for the future, and everything else going on, it’s not hard to be swallowed up by the ever-growing multitude of things to come. Luckily, I know exactly what I want. It’s just a matter of accomplishing it. I’m overwhelmed but not so to the point that I don’t know what I want.

My freshmen year, I never would’ve thought I’d be making journalism my college major…Yes, you heard right…I’m majoring in journalism. Is that such a crime? I didn’t think so. I remember freshmen year I was so caught up in the new experiences of high school that I had no idea what I wanted to do years down the road. I’d thought about maybe going into graphic design or something because my other passion (that I often put on the back-burner) is drawing. Art. I love it and everything it entails. I’m good at drawing, but I think I’m even better at writing. Sure, writing might not be as lucrative and in-demand as graphic design is at the moment, but I don’t care. You should be able to do something you love because you love it, not just because it pays the rent. My major is journalism and that is that.

Instead of starting classes in the Fall like any normal person would, I’ve decided to start my classes either in the Spring or next Fall. Everyone is different when it comes to well, just about everything, and my decision is no different. At first, I thought I HAD to go to school in the Fall. I thought it was something that just HAD to be done. I wasn’t even thinking that I had the choice to take time off from school. It wasn’t something that was going through my mind at the time. I was stressing about starting classes in the Fall, and I had absolutely no reason to because I didn’t have to start in the Fall. I’m so totally not starting in the Fall. I mean the last year of high school is stressful enough, why make it even more stressful by having to go through more school less than 4 months after you graduate? It might sound like I’m a total loser, not going to college right after I graduate, but I don’t see it that way. I want to be somewhat established in one way or another before I go off to college. It’s better to have a general idea of what you’re going to do, then storm through it all, guns blazing. Or at least that’s how I see it. The whole-guns-blazing-thing is only good for somethings, not all, and I don’t think college plans qualify as one of those things.

Right now, at this very moment in time, I’m happy to say that everything is planned out for the most part. Yes, like I said, things are bound to change whenever, but for right now, it’s safe to say that everything is good. School is over in less than a month, and while it would usually seem hectic and overwhelming (as I just stated a million times over above), that’s all a part of the ride. Prom is in a than a month, too and that’s something I’m actually looking forward to. Whether I happen to have a date or not, I’m going. I have the cutest dress (a dress I’ve had for a couple years now, actually) and I know exactly how I want to look.

All this talk is just that…Talk. It means nothing unless you actually go through with it, and all this talk is finally starting to turn into something. It’s more than safe to say that I have nothing to stress about anymore. I’m ready for whatever life has to throw at me, yet again.

Life is overwhelming and I’m just starting to realize that. Look ahead and hold on tight. It only gets more intense.

Old School Love Affair

I know I’ve said this before. Friends can suck. Old school friends can suck. You think that you’ll be friends ‘forever’ until one or all of them become stupid and ignorant. I’ve said this before. I know I have.

The friends I knew in junior high are totally different people.  Whether I talk to all of them or not. I know this all too well.  When I first met them, it seemed automatic, be nice to the new girl or something. I thought that maybe it was just a phase or nice gesture that wouldn’t last. It did last, though. Something connected us and, at the time, no one could break that. Most of my friends then were guys, with the exception of one girl, and no, it was nothing like what you’re probably thinking. At the school I’d went to before, all my friends were girls, so it was kind of weird that most of my friends at my new school were guys.

Back then, some 5 or 6 years ago, we were the greatest of friends. There was this kind of camaraderie between all my friends and I. Honestly, I sometimes miss that. Other times, I just get sick that I even knew those people then, and that I know them now. Or at least I think I know them. It’s amazing what you can learn about people, or how annoyed you can become with people you’ve known long enough to the point that it’s ok to become annoyed by something they say or do. Sometimes, it just gets to that point.

Needless to say, as I’ve already pretty much stated, I miss the old school camaraderie my friends and I once shared. Before we all went our separate ways. Before two of them became wrapped up in the ever-so-popular party scene. Before one of them changed completely. Before one of them became incredibly induced with the ‘love of their life’. Before one of them committed suicide…My God don’t you just adore today’s youth? I say it’s pretty appalling.

Friends can suck. Old school friends can suck even more. You know this. I know this. I’ve said this. I just did.

Lay in the wake of a friendship that will never die, or for some, die too quickly.

Something to brighten my day

It’s the first day of September, and being the first day of September, you never know what’s going to happen. Granted, you never really know what’s gonna happen anyway, but the world is filled with surprises. And today, I got a very cheerful surprise.

I was walking home from school today. I didn’t really get very far, though. Just past the football field that’s behind school. It looked ever so deserted. I don’t think our team has played on it yet. I was walking past it, admiring it’s emptiness, when I heard a horn beep. At first I had no idea who was beeping at me, and was surprised I could still hear it above my earbuds. I’ve learned my lesson…Car horns and vocal chords can sometimes be louder than the volume of an iPod. I looked and saw it was my friend Trisha. I shut my iPod off and walked to the passenger’s side window. She asked me if I wanted a ride. I said sure.

I climbed into the van, and for some reason, was really surprised to see her. I honestly don’t know why. I think I have this thing where, I think it’s kinda different. Very open, candid. Some of my friends are already honest and totally straightforward, but to me, it just seems kinda different.

She asked me where I lived, and I told her what street. I must have thanked her for the ride 10 times. 😉 She told me it was her mom’s van. I said I wished I could drive. She asked when I turned 18…I said tomorrow. She smiled, and said that was cool. Pulling into my driveway, she asked me what my favorite candy bar was. I said Milky Way or Twix. I thanked her another 10 times for the ride. She said she’d text me.

Like, 4 hours later I got a text. It was from Trisha. She had a gift for me, and she wanted to know if she could drop it off. Of course! She called me before she pulled in. She forgot my address. I told her and she finally pulled in. I opened the front door and meet her out front. She was carrying a red bag with a white bow. Inside was a pack of Twix candy bars, a Milky Way, an AMP energy drink, and tiny PEZ candies, all wrapped in black wax paper. I was so surprised! I just mentioned that it was my birthday tomorrow, and she bought me something. I thought that was really cool. Super nice. Like the thing with the ride, I must have thanked her another 10 times. I was just surprised and happy.

We talked for a bit, then parted ways. She got in the van and I said bye through the driver’s side window. It was nice to have a surprise like that. I was also really surprised that only two of my friends said anything about my birthday. Granted, it’s not til tomorrow, but still. It was good, though. Surprises are always good.

Full of surprises, my day was definitely brightened.

The butterfly, the eagle, the moose & the freshmen

Today was the first day of school. The first day of my last year of high school. Any nervousness? Not really, a little tired still but not nervous. I woke up at 5:15 with motivation, which is so not like me because I usually need motivation to wake up that early. I guess I had alot of motivation without even knowing it. School starts at 8:00 and I was there at 7:35, 7:40. Superior motivation on my part.

I looked out the window at the rain, listening to my iPod, pulling up to the front of school. It didn’t feel like an August morning. Instead it felt like a slice of Autumn, daintily sprinkled with cold rain and partially humid air. I pulled the hood up on my gray hoodie, and turned my iPod a little louder. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people dressed in the same fashion, all in the same place before. This year, like my junior and sophomore year, there’s a dress code. A very stupid dress code, if you ask me and everyone else at school probably. Everything about it is pretty stupid. We have to wear dark blue/white polo shirts, black/dark blue/khaki pants…So much for originality. It’s just incredible how a group or two of people can harm everyone else’s choices.

I was walking around in the massive crowd of people, when I heard my name. I thought I had my iPod loud enough, but it appears that vocal chords are louder. It was my friend Taylor. She was standing by my other friends, John and Maria. We talked for a bit, until she saw Maria’s sister, Amber and her boyfriend Jason. Taylor pointed to the moose on Jason’s polo. I immediately thought of my dog and how we call him ‘Moose’. I learned it was the Abercrombie & Fitch logo. Go figure. Amber had a butterfly on hers, which I recognized immediately as Aeropostle. So many people had them last year, it’s a wonder I didn’t forget. I resorted for something more simple and logo-less. Black skinny jeans, a light blue lacy tanktop, and a dark blue polo. Simple enough, I suppose. Not a logo in sight.

I got my schedule, and I couldn’t believe what I saw…I didn’t have a 1st or 4th period! I was like ‘Wtf?’ I sat in the cafeteria for 40 minutes, waiting for the bell to ring. I saw my friend, Chelsea, who suggested I should see my counselor about my schedule. Since Taylor and I had the same kind of problems, we both walked upstairs. Some lady standing by the doors stopped us, asking us what we were doing. We told her. She said that the counselor wasn’t changing anything today, which was a big crock of lies. Lies! Feeling a ping of  defeat, we both went back to where we were sitting and waited for the bell to ring. Again. This year it’s fashionably late. Gym was my next class. I could just feel the excitement bursting. Yawn.

Sure, the gym was big last year, but this year it seems even bigger. The 40 minutes wer quickly consumed by just sitting in the bleachers, listening to my shuffle. I wished I would’ve remembered the book I’ve been reading. Oh well. The next ride in the amusement park was Health. Health that was held in the basement. I’d honestly never been in the basement of school. Never. It was just a big room with desks, computers, and a big flat-screen TV by the teacher’s desk. How convenient. It almost reminded me of a much bigger version of my bedroom, via exposed air duct work and such. I sat there for another 40 minutes, drinking my lemon iced tea and talking to Johnny. 4th period? According to my schedule, I still didn’t have one.

Eventually, I revamped my schedule, and got the classes I wanted and needed. I got a 1st and 4th period! It was really hot in the counselor’s office, and it made me pretty much non-responsive. I was able to say what I needed to, though. According to my schedule, my 5/6 class was English 4. I noticed that most of the people in my class I knew from last year. I was relieved that I knew people in some of my classes. I noticed my friend, two seats in front of me, had an eagle on her sweater…American Eagle. Go figure. Again. I liked my English teacher. He told us a little bit about himself, which seemed refreshing at that moment in time. He told us we would read Macbeth this year. That made me smile a bit. The last 10 minutes of class, we had to write something about ourselves, which was pretty easy. I didn’t finish mine, though. I tend to write an awful lot, as suggested by most of the entries on my blog. 🙂

Finally, my last ‘class’ of the day was lunch. I sat where I usually sat last year, with the exception of the people who sat with me last year. Today I sat with my friend Ashley. It was good to talk to her and just chill amongst all the chaos. Large group of freshmen = Chaos. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many freshmen since my freshmen year. They all seemed to swarm into the cafeteria simultaneously, just as they had this morning, scavenging for their freshly pressed schedules. Freshmen. Oh how I used to be one of them.

I’d say all and all, my first day of school was good. Pretty uneventful for the most part, but good nonetheless. I honestly thought it was Friday, until I looked at my phone and realized it was still Thursday. Back to the ol’ grind tomorrow.

I learned more about over-priced clothing labels and their fancy logos than I did anything else today.

Last Day of Freedom

I woke up this morning to the unfamiliar chill coming from my open window. That minute, right then and there, I knew that summer is coming to a close. I stood on my bed and looked out the window. The sky looked grey, the equivalent of a fall morning. Despite the fact that it’s still August. I found myself waking up at 7:15, which is pretty early in my book. The earliest I’ve ever woken up this summer. Not the norm of 10:00, 11:00, or sometimes noon. No sir or madam, not today.

This summer went by too quickly. It strangely didn’t feel like it was going by very fast when it was still in its prime, but now that it’s tapering away, it’s gone by too quickly. I sort of feel like I wasted the summer away alittle bit. Like I did absolutely nothing for almost 2 and a half months. Contrary to my beliefs, this is so not true. I was actually free to do what I wanted, with some minor restrictions. No drinking or drunk tattoos/piercings, not that I would anyway. I’m smarter than that. I actually have some sense. With this freedom, I hung out with my friends, severed relationships with people I’m better off without, went to concerts, found out new things about my friends, broke in my new dark purple bathing suit, expressed a random assortment of my loves, hates and everything in between on this blog of mine you’re currently reading…I’d say I did alot this summer.

Today is the last day of summer break. School starts tomorrow, and I’m not mentally ready. My mind just isn’t motivated like my body is. Sometimes I wish summer didn’t have to be over. Today is my last day of summer freedom.

This year went by too fast.