Lack Of Sleep And A Higher Education 

It’s been a long time since I’ve written any kind of ranting post. I mean, it’s not that there’s nothing for me to rant about. Believe me, there are a lot of things I could be ranting on and on about, but would any of it be interesting or well, worth ranting about?…Then again, why am I asking the potential followers of this blog? I’m not too sure either.

Right now, I feel like I’m somewhat running on empty, which is absolutely no excuse for me to be ranting, but for some reason, I find myself noticing things more and more because I’m tired. You’re probably wondering why I’m running on empty and the answer is pure and simple…I worked overnight last from 10 at night to 6 this morning, scanning for price changes, and I didn’t get enough sleep beforehand. I did, but at the same time, I didn’t. I wasn’t falling asleep at all while I was scanning and walking around to different parts of the store, but I sure as hell felt the familiar cloud of sleepiness come over me. Don’t get me wrong, my first night of price changes was actually pretty peaceful and uncomplicated…And yes, I actually just said that price changes at the wee hours of the night/morning is peaceful because it is. I didn’t have to deal with any customers and their never-ending slew of questions, but I have to say it was pretty creepy hearing music over the speakers with practically no one in the store. Very creepyyy.

With the reason for my sleepy eyes accounted for, let me first start my little rant by saying that summer needs to be here already…It’s on everyone’s mind and no one seems to be saying anything, so I figured what the hell? I love how snow looks falling on the ground just as much as the next young lady, but it seriously just needs to stop altogether and be summer. I honestly miss warm weather. I mean, humidity gives me the worst headaches, but I would much rather have a headache that can be taken away with some good ‘ol Excedrin, then have a cold that takes a month to fully rid of. Headaches I can deal with, colds I unfortunately cannot. I seriously miss that great second season known as Summer. I miss going to the park and laying out in the grass or swinging on any available swingsets…Yes, I am indeed a child at heart…I miss swimming in my purple bathing suit and lounging out on the swing in my backyard, listening to whatever music happens to be on shuffle. All and all, I think it’s more than safe to say that I miss that beautiful and humidy-stricken thing called Summer. I only hope that it comes soon as oppose to later.

I’m going to veer off the subject of annoyances for a quick second because, quite frankly, I’m not too keen on what I can complain about at the moment. Sure, I’m running on said hours of sleep and there are plenty of things I could complain about. Believe me, there is. No doubt about that fact…Everything from the lack of sleep because of the overnight shift at work (despite the fact that I enjoy the silence and solitude) to the ever-growing fact that I’m not as close to some people as I was at the end of school year.

Yes, I think I found something to rant about all of a sudden. I remember somewhere around this time last year, I was talking about how I was getting ready for graduation and my plans after said graduation. Unfortunately, those plans didn’t turn out as well, planned. Call it being a loser or just one of the consequences of not saving for college ahead of time or whatever you damn well please, but I’m currently not going to school like the majority of my peers. Why? I honestly couldn’t afford it at the time. Sure, I had big plans of saving for college and strangely, I would have enough to pay for one semester with the money I have saved now plus the amount I was awarded, but I’ve opened my eyes to one simple fact: I don’t need to go to school right out of high school. I know I said that I was going to wait a while anyway and go in the Spring or this coming Fall, but honestly, I don’t really think I want to attend school even then. College would just be one more stress that I don’t think I need now, and I think anyone will agree that if you can put off something that’s stress-inducing until a better time when it might not be so stress-inducing, then why the hell not? Sometimes I seriously think that’s what separates me from some of the people I used to be close with at the end of the year last year, the simple fact that I’m not gaining some higher education at the moment. As if just because I’m not attending college, it makes me some kind of inferior person, basically a loser in every respect of the word. I’m somehow the lesser person because I’m working and not cramming my brain with information that may or may not benefit me in the long-run. Go figure. Thankfully, I don’t see it that way, or else I would be in school right now. Granted the entire reason is because I didn’t have the funds at the time, but still.

Once again, call it what you will, but I’m glad I’m not waking up early to go to school every day or designated day. I would much rather wake up early to go to work, being wired on caffeine to combat the lack of sleep, as oppose to the routine of waking up early and listening to a lecture that I would most likely fall asleep during. Coffee and energy drinks were invented for better causes than that.

For some reason, I’ve lost the fuel to rant at the moment…Whether it be the sleep I lost catching up with me or what have you, I feel like I have nothing to rant about anymore. It seems like I can only muster the brain power to rant about how much I miss Summer and how I don’t need the stresses of college right now, but I’m not too worried about that. Sure, there still are things I can rant about, and I’m more than positive they’re things I’ve ranted and raved about before, but they’ll have to wait ’til another time…When I’ve had more sleep and am not sleepwalking through Wal-Mart, helping my mother look for couch covers…I’m totally serious. It happened….Luckily, the two Grande orders of Starbucks somewhat helped.

(Kudos to whoever created the Cinnamon Dolce Latte. Your contribution to the arts of fine coffee-making is greatly appreciated.)

My lack of sleep and a higher education are just astonishing.

Oh, That Shining Realization 

A couple of months ago, well sometime last year (if you want to be critically technical and correct) I wrote about how there was the unbreakable camaraderie that my friends and I shared some long time ago. I now realize that maybe it’s better that bond decided to break.

I honestly think that if I was still friends with the majority of the individuals I was some now 6 or 7 years ago, I would amount to nothing. Yeah, that sounds a bit harsh but, that’s just the way I see it. I think that if we’d all kept in touch, it would either be the greatest thing in the world or the greatest personal tragedy. As much as I used to love them all, I think it would have been a complete downfall.

You’re probably wondering why I’m talking about people I used to love so dear and care about almost with my life so bitterly, and I have the perfect answer. I’ve seen the kind of people they’ve become. I know they say everyone changes and indeed everyone does, but it seems to be so different now. Looking back at who we all used to, and who we are now, it’s safe to say that I’m relieved to know that we’ve lost our hold on each other. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I don’t need them. I don’t need certain people around me just to get through my every day, just to breathe. Sure, there are sometimes when it could hurt, the fact that they’re not here mainly, or where I miss them, but I then I wonder…Do they feel the same? If I had to take a good, educated guess, I would have to say no. I often wonder what it would be like, if we all remained friends, if nothing changed at all, but then I realize that I don’t think I would have it any other way.

It’s better that they’re not in my life anymore. It’s better that they’re just fleeting memories. It’s not like we would talk like we did back then, when things seemed endless, almost untouchable. Some 2 years ago, when we were in a sense ‘reunited’, there was this feeling of emptiness in the worse kind of way between us all. Granted, the circumstances weren’t exactly pleasing, but still. It was the greatest shock of my natural life so far that day, to be struck with the news that impaired me to feel and to be among the ones I once felt about so dear.

After all the useless calculating and grinding of memories and thoughts in my head, it all comes down to the one solid fact: I’m so glad I don’t associate with the people I used to. I think that if I did, then I wouldn’t be the type of person I am today. I think I would more than likely become the type of person I don’t really like, someone who I honestly couldn’t see myself being. For what might be better and at the same time possibly worse, I’m who I am and no so-called friend can change any of that. I’m just happy I realized that before I started to actually care too much.

Oh, that shining realization…Better late then never.

Newsflash From “Heaven”: I’ve Descended Into “Hell”

There’s something that makes every one of us on this Earth question things that we don’t understand, can’t understand or just simply refuse to…Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that it’s safe to say that the concept of religion has always been something that’s second-guessed or questioned.

And if I question that, then what kind of person does that make me?

I honestly never used to question religion. It just wasn’t something that was questioned. You just go with it, and think that it’s something you personally believe. After awhile, it’s all you’re willing to believe. No one can change your mind; your heart is set on that way of life. It can turn you into something you’re truly not, while on the other hand can bring a whole new perspective on things. Which ever you may choose, there’s always questions that will arise that are going to make some wonder and others won’t even pay attention to.

I first started to question religion, being the foundation for my day-in, day-out education at school. I’d been at a Catholic school from Kindergarten to the first half of the 6th grade, and being at a Catholic school, I’d have to go to church every Friday with the rest of my class. There wasn’t an option of not going, and I honestly didn’t mind. We would be rewarded if we were good, anyway. I remember in Kindergarten, I literally thought the priest at my school’s church was a cannibal. I literally thought that when he said the “body and blood”, he really did mean the body and blood of someone. How crazy is that? Really?

What kind of person does that make me?

I began to ask questions about the religion that I’d learned about five days a week and sometimes on Sundays. Whether the questions made sense or not, I have no idea. They probably made absolutely no sense, the reason why no one could give me a straight answer. The questions made all the sense to me though. If Jesus died for everyone’s sins, why do people still sin? I distinctly remember that was one of the questions I’d asked. Yeah, a pretty stupid question. All my teachers probably thought it was, or maybe they thought I was crazy or something. I look back on that now, and think that it was a pretty foolish, but it also makes me realize that any other outrageous question I had would be let right in with all the eagerness, only to be shot down for being utterly stupid.

Now what does all this grade-school reminiscing have to do with my feelings toward religion now? It proves that there are questions that either can’t be answered or are being pushed under the rug. Let’s face it, who wants to believe in something that can’t be answered or proven? I don’t mean to judge anyone here. What the next person believes may not be what I believe, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna jump down their throats about it. That would just be ignorant, and I absolutely hate ignorance. People are more than entitled to have their own beliefs and opinions, despite what other individuals think or say. I firmly believe in that, and truly have the utmost respect for that fact.

I would be much more comfortable knowing that what I’m believing in is, well, worth believing in. Sometimes, I believed that there possibly could be a God, but there are things that come in the way me truly accepting that fact. There are facts and reasonings that are so hypocritical and no way near logical. Say one thing and it doesn’t add up to what’s being said next…Yeah, that makes a hell of a lot of sense…I myself have a hard time agreeing and believing everything I hear because it all just doesn’t sit right with me as a whole. I suppose somethings could be plausible, but that still leaves others unaccounted for and to me, that isn’t good enough.

What kind of person does that make me?

I’ve been asking that question all though this post…What kind of person does that make me? Honestly, it makes me a goddamn human being. Most would say that questions and questioning isn’t the way to go because it will either get you nowhere or everywhere you don’t want to be, but I don’t find that the case. People don’t know if there is indeed a ‘Heaven’ or ‘Hell’ because no one has ever been there. Some are so fixated on something they’ve been feed throughout the years or what have you, and can’t comprehend that maybe there isn’t anything after you die. Maybe there is just nothingness, a creeping sense of darkness that’s just out of our reach with every passing second. Maybe not. ..Does death scare me? Damn right it does. Do I believe in something after death? I’m not sure. There could be something amazing beyond anything we’ve ever seen above and something else amazing in quite another sense of the word way down below, but who am I to know? Exactly. I have absolutely no idea and I think it’s best that way.

If people really (and I mean really truly) knew what happens when you die, they wouldn’t take any risks. If people knew what happened when you die, they wouldn’t be living. The entire point of living is taking risks and taking whatever comes at you, not matter the speeds or intensities. I think that knowing where you’re going to go when you die, totally dictates one’s risk-taking and therefore the entire concept of Life. Some people live that way already out of faith or whatever you choose, and that is entirely their choice. I have absolutely nothing against people with healthy convictions in what they believe in. I think it’s the best thing in the world, please just don’t try to press it on me. While some completely discreet and totally polite about brandishing their beliefs, not pressuring others at all, there are other people that think they know everything that the afterlife has to offer (or religion in general for that matter), down to every detail and I personally don’t believe any of it. Yeah, that probably sounds pretty bad, but notice the things I’ve said so far. My brutal, honest opinion.

I honestly don’t believe what people have to say about what it will be like when you die because they don’t know, they’ve never been there. No one knows, no ones ever been there. Unless of course with the exception of a near-death experience, that’s the closest thing to the afterlife you can get without feeling death unfortunately pull you out of this natural life permanently. Other than that exception, I don’t believe.

I love how the subject goes from the disbelief concerning religion to the disbelief an afterlife. They’re two different subjects that sometimes (maybe more often than none) become intertwined and discussed on the same playing field. I suppose that this is no exception to the conversations on the subjects that came before it. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I honestly don’t know.

When all is said and done, I just don’t believe…Yeah, it might sound like I’m just another teenager (technically I’m not really a teenager anymore, but whatever) who listens to death metal and is ‘brainwashed’ by the ‘Satanic’ lyrics, but I’m here to clarify. While I do listen to my fair shares of black/death/heavy metal, my musical preferences in no way impact my views on religion or the afterlife, as which was mentioned earlier…Or rather there isn’t anything good enough for me to believe in. That probably sounds pretty arrogant and whether arrogance plays a part at all or not, it’s true. I don’t think it’s that there’s nothing good enough for me to believe but actually nothing I feel comfortable really believing in. Hopefully there will come a time when I find something that I indeed feel comfortable enough with to believe in without questioning or second-guessing. Until then, only time will tell.

So I ask you now, as I’ve been asking throughout this entire post…

What kind of person does that make me?

Newsflash from “Heaven”: I’ve surely descended into “Hell”.

Old School Love Affair

I know I’ve said this before. Friends can suck. Old school friends can suck. You think that you’ll be friends ‘forever’ until one or all of them become stupid and ignorant. I’ve said this before. I know I have.

The friends I knew in junior high are totally different people.  Whether I talk to all of them or not. I know this all too well.  When I first met them, it seemed automatic, be nice to the new girl or something. I thought that maybe it was just a phase or nice gesture that wouldn’t last. It did last, though. Something connected us and, at the time, no one could break that. Most of my friends then were guys, with the exception of one girl, and no, it was nothing like what you’re probably thinking. At the school I’d went to before, all my friends were girls, so it was kind of weird that most of my friends at my new school were guys.

Back then, some 5 or 6 years ago, we were the greatest of friends. There was this kind of camaraderie between all my friends and I. Honestly, I sometimes miss that. Other times, I just get sick that I even knew those people then, and that I know them now. Or at least I think I know them. It’s amazing what you can learn about people, or how annoyed you can become with people you’ve known long enough to the point that it’s ok to become annoyed by something they say or do. Sometimes, it just gets to that point.

Needless to say, as I’ve already pretty much stated, I miss the old school camaraderie my friends and I once shared. Before we all went our separate ways. Before two of them became wrapped up in the ever-so-popular party scene. Before one of them changed completely. Before one of them became incredibly induced with the ‘love of their life’. Before one of them committed suicide…My God don’t you just adore today’s youth? I say it’s pretty appalling.

Friends can suck. Old school friends can suck even more. You know this. I know this. I’ve said this. I just did.

Lay in the wake of a friendship that will never die, or for some, die too quickly.

Uneventful Game of ‘Wits’

Forget volleyball. It’s not that I’ve given up playing volleyball. That’s not the case at all. I just refuse to get plowed over by people who are taller and stronger than me. Or to play with people who have no idea how to play. Not my cup of lemon tea…

The volleyball net is in the middle of the gym, with two basketball hoops on either side. There are two gym classes the period I have gym, my gym class and the other gym class. This usually means that boys who hope to be the next big thing in basketball, totally dominate both of the hoops.  Heightening the risk for me or really anyone else, to be ran over by ignorant boys. The entire reason why I don’t even bother playing volleyball.

Yesterday, it seemed like there were somehow more people than there were last week. More than likely the reason why we weren’t penalized if we didn’t wear our appropriate gym attire. I took advantage of this opportunity. I forgot my clothes in my locker upstairs anyway.  For some reason, I just didn’t feel like even doing anything. I wasn’t physically ready for gym, and I couldn’t help but count the minutes til my last bell of the day rang.

Despite the fact there were more people, there weren’t as many guys playing basketball. I figured I actually would pass the time playing volleyball. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I had finished the last 8 pages of the book I was reading. Part of me appreciates that I did. It only confirmed how irritating people can be. I know that it’s not easy playing volleyball. When I first started playing in 6th grade, I sucked, but over time I became better. But not being able to hit the ball straight? To the person right in front of you? It’s not that hard. Some people aren’t athletic and what not, but it’s not complicated.

The teams were pretty freakin’ uneven. There were, like, 6 or 7 people on the opposing team, and 4 on the team I was on. They weren’t in any type of positions, either. Just one semi-straight line of people, waiting for the ball to come their way. Some people were hitting the ball too hard, others too lightly. After awhile, I didn’t even hit the ball if it came to me. I didn’t care. Very uneventful. It was a pretty pointless game. Wished I hadn’t played.

Just another way people can get on my nerves and force me to look down on them because they’re ignorant. This is just a whole lot of ranting. Plenty more to come in the future.

Physical education = A joke

Originality is a rarity/Annoyance of epic proportions

People annoy me. Sometimes, I’m just totally fed up and down-right sick of people. There are reasons I’m totally certain of and others that I’m not so certain of. Sometimes I’m just annoyed by people because I’m having a bad day, or my day becomes bad because of what people do or say. It just seems like people today have no sense. Absolutely nothing original radiates from their person. Everything about them is so…cliched and such a trend, and that just annoys the hell out of me.

It seems like almost everyday I’m discovering more and more ways that people can be so fake. People who go along with trends seriously annoy me. I just hate seeing people in outrageously form fitting skinny jeans, skin-tight hoodies, dyed black hair, and maybe some heavy eyeliner and/or an optional face piercing or two. I mean, yeah, that’s great and all, but it seems like everyone looks like that today. Everywhere I go, it’s like that’s all I see. I honestly don’t care how people dress or what they do with their lives, but with everyone at the mall or school looking the same…Gets really old, really quick.

Another thing that annoys me is these people are categorizing themselves as “emo”. Why the hell would you categorize yourself? Hello, it’s called being original, being yourself. NOT going by a category that everyone else is currently sporting. Or they decide to sport the label of “emo” because of the music currently on their iPod. Just because you listen to music that matches the supposed “darkness and emotional wreckage of your soul” or “how much you hate the world” that automatically makes you “emo”?  That just, as Peter Griffin would say, “really grinds my gears!” 🙂

The fact that people like that constantly complain about how no one “understands them” or how “everyone hates them”, is total crap. “I cut myself, and listen to music about dying” or “Let’s compare the scars on our wrists. Whose is deeper?” Gag me! That’s just ignorance at its finest. Trying to get attention because they feel like no one else will pay attention to them if they’re original. That contradiction is so incredibly pathetic. They think they own the world one minute, and complain about how much their life sucks the next. It’s disgusting. Get the hell over it! Complaining will get you nowhere. If you’re life sucks sooo much, then do something about it.

I’ll be totally honest…I do wear skinny jeans, fitted hoodies, and dye my hair. Think I’m apart of the trend? Guess again. I wear skinny jeans because I like the wear they fit and how they look on me. The fact that I’m petite does have its advantages. 😉 I wear fitted hoodies because I don’t like how bigger hoodies fit on me. Again, I’m kinda picky ’cause I’m tiny. My hair dye color of choice isn’t black, though. Personally, I like the way the dark red looks on me. Black would look really, well, not pretty on me. One of my friends from way back suggested I dye it black…Thankfully, I never went through with it. As for the heavy eyeliner and optional face piercing, I smudge my eyeliner just alittle, not to the extreme to where I look like I’m the walking dead, and I don’t have any piercings on my face. Although I hope to get my lip pierced after I get my braces off.

As for the music on my iPod, I listen to whatever I like. I don’t pay attention to genres or what everyone else is listening to. If I like, I’ll listen to it. It’s that easy to understand.

I dont’ follow any trends or conform to any labels. Plain and simple. I don’t categorize myself as anything because it’s a waste of time, and I don’t see myself fitting into a category at all. People who categorize themselves are too afraid of what others might think or to lose the supposed friends they’ve made. Ignorance at its finest.

Murder the trends and never-ending labels before they end up murdering your sense of strength.