My Friend Of Insomnia 

I can’t sleep. It’s almost 2 in the morning and my eyes are wide open. Unfortunately, this isn’t something new. I find myself struggling with the awkward, stubborn Insomnia more than usual. I probably should go to sleep, lay in bed and give into the cliché of counting sheep, or listen to my Ipod or read. Reading always puts me to sleep, but I haven’t been in a reading mood in a while.

I’m just sitting here.

My dark red chair feels comfy at this time in the morning, more comfy than usual. I find myself sitting in it, listening to HIM’s cover of Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear The Reaper” and searching for a picture for the next project I have in art class. Coincidentally, I’ve chosen a picture of HIM lead, Ville Valo. I thought I would stand out as far as pictures went, not to mention that the picture is beautiful. But that is for another day…

I feel like my mind is easily wandering this morning, more than any other time it wanders. I’m thinking about an array of different things at once. A doctor’s appointment I have today at 3 o’clock this afternoon and a paper for my Senior Seminar class due tomorrow (Friday). It’s almost finished, and my plans of completing it today just didn’t happen. I should work on it now, but I’m not in the right frame of mind to write something for school. I honestly can’t think of school right now, it’s just not what’s important at this time of the morning. In another 6 hours of course, but not now. What’s important now, is that I’m gently swooning to the ever-changing music on my Dell. Right now being “Mute” by Blaqk Audio, in 3 minutes or more being something else. My inability to listen to one song for too long has set in. It’s now “Warmness On The Soul” by Avenged Sevenfold. Strangely, this song is longer than the last, but it’s definitely more soothing. I think that in the battle of techno-electronica beats and pianos/old-school breakdowns, the latter is always the unlikely champion. Especially at this time of morning.

I’ve listened to the same song 3 times already, trying to convince myself to go to sleep. Give into the skillfully played piano, old-school sounding guitar solo and strange beauty of M. Shadows’s voice in the early days of their career. I’m pretty sure the play count has been upped to about seven or eight by now. Okay, the play count is probably higher, but I’m honestly not counting.

Before I descending into my room (literally), I was watching the shows Man vs. Wild and Monsters Inside Me. The episode of Monsters was a case of déjà vu from the beginning of the school year because it was the exact same episode I’d seen the first time I watched it. I watched it anyway, and it still creeped me out. The thought of a parasite living inside someone is disgustingly stomach-churning. I hadn’t seen the episode of Wild, although I think my dad did. Not too sure. I love how in the beginning of the show it’s Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls. Curious to see if Bear was actually his name, I looked it up. No. Bear isn’t his real name. His name is actually Edward. That would’ve been pretty interesting if Bear was indeed his real name.

“Warmness On The Soul” passed by faster than it did all the other times it played, and I’m missing it. I could play it, but I’m too lazy. And tired. I’m feeling myself give into the sleepiness that I didn’t think I had in me, or maybe it’s because HIM is playing again. I find the latter to be the unlikely cause and the tiredness the more likely. It would make sense if I got some sleep. I would be able to focus and my mind wouldn’t be yelling at me every time I try to close my eyes. It would make a lot of sense if I got some sleep.

Right now, at nearly 4 o’clock in the morning on this Thursday, I’m listening to “Razorblade Kiss” by HIM and strongly considering going to bed. I might just let my mind wander, taking in Ville’s amazing voice, thinking too many thoughts.

I’m still sitting in my dark red chair, going on my second listening of “Razorblade Kiss”, regretting that I’m actually on my second listen. I know I’ll regret it a couple hours from now, but at least I can say that it was Ville’s voice that helped put me to sleep.

Insomnia is like chain-smoking. It doesn’t benefit you.

Architecture Of Fate & Denial

I fear the fall…
I fear this fear of falling because I’m falling for you.
We’re so different, it might not be meant to be.
I feel as if I’m blinded by the same love-struck foolishness that has beckoned me time and again.
I want to believe that my efforts aren’t meaningless, that my falling is indeed worth the fall.
My heavenly devotion to you is etched forever in the glass of your window, the cement of your building.
Scratched is my hopes and full knowledge of what I want, scratched is my affections, my love.
Will you reply to my message carved into your windows and walls?
My devotion painfully carved with the sharpest blade, the instrument used to intimidate and frighten, pushed to an unusual edge.
I pray that you mark the glass and cement with your reply, you hold the power which decides my fate, sets me free.
If my prayers aren’t met, if fate says it’s not meant to be, that rise and fall was heartbreaking, crushing, worth it…

You fear the fall…
You fear this fear of falling because you’re falling for me.
We’re so different, the reason why it is indeed not meant to be.
I feel as if I’m a gravitational pull to those who don’t deserve me, no one truly deserves me.
I want to believe that I don’t need someone else’s undying love to give me reassurance and full knowledge of my strengths and obligations.
Your heavenly devotion to me is etched forever in the glass of my window, the cement of my building, the message is quite clear.
Scratched is your hopes and full knowledge of what you want, scratched is my intricate and graceful reply.
Will my response carved in the window and walls ignite your flame or set your heart on ice?
Your devotion painfully carved with the sharpest blade, not as poisonous and lethal as my response to you.
You pray that I mark that glass and cement with my reply, you shall pray no longer.
Your prayers aren’t met, fate doesn’t hold the final determination, that rise and fall was worth it, but on the same edge, in vain…

Your heart fails you; you shall climb no longer, climb not at all.

© Copyright February 2010